What a Gal Ought to Do

Hey Pops!

I sure do miss you.  It really still doesn’t seem real that you are no longer with us.  I know that you are in a better place and I know that you are not in pain, but selfishly, I just want to walk in your house and hear that familiar “Hey Kiddo!” followed by one of your hugs.  You sure did know how to give hugs!  We are all hugging each other a little tighter these days and I have to wonder if you left a bit of your wonderful hugs in each of us.

The days have been a bit of a blur.  I find myself doing the things I have done before but with little effort or joy.  I know that it will come back at some point, but right now it really feels like I am just faking it at life right now.  I didn’t put up my outside Christmas lights this year as that was “our thing” and I just couldn’t do it without you.  Grace wanted to do the luminaries this year though.  You would be proud of her hard work.  She filled all those bags with the help of a friend.  I think she wanted to do it well to honor you.

There has been a lot of that lately.  We had a big limb fall in our driveway and my sweet little daughter who likes to sleep to the last minute, climbed out of bed early so we could clear the drive before school.  She said she thought grandpa would be proud of us for doing physical labor.  It made me laugh because you know these two girls aren’t the physical labor types.  But you were, Dad!  I cannot believe how hard you worked in your life, always putting us first.  We noticed, Pops and are so very grateful for the lessons you’ve taught us!

I keep running into people that ask how mom is doing.  To tell you the truth, in many ways she is so strong, and in other ways she is just falling apart.    She has, in her grief, and in only a mother’s way, consoled each of us kids and your grandkids.  It is amazing how that love can put others first even when her heart has been broken. Boy does she love you, Pops! She has been busy with the business of Christmas, cleaning the house as if it has to be perfect this year.  Mom always has her house put together but this year is different.  It has to be PERFECT!  Still, there will be one very important piece missing when we all gather tomorrow.  Not sure if it will ever be the same.  The image of laughter and love will forever be etched into our hearts.  Your house gives me comfort, Dad because there are so many memories that occurred there, especially in the living room.  Oh, the conversations!  Some were hilarious, while others were serious life changing talks.  You always had a way of hearing our hearts! 

We will be going to the cemetery today to decorate your grave.  They put a temporary marker out for you until the permanent one comes in.  When I first saw it, I was sad to see it.  A reminder of a reality that I wish was not true.  But to have your name there, somehow gives you the honor you deserve.  There are so many things we could carve into your tombstone, FULL of love, unselfish, hilarious, honest, husband, father, friend.  But you know what, pops?  It seems like your name says it all.  Your name was synonymous with all these words and anyone that knew you was blessed by ALL that was you!

On this Christmas eve, I just want you to know that even though my heart aches for your presence, I know that you have equipped all of us with the tools to move forward.  The lessons you taught us have a new priority for each of us.  It is as if they are our purpose now.

One thing I always remember you saying when life was tough was you can’t do anything to change what happened, all you can do is move forward.

We are trying, Dad.

A little less than a year ago, I published the blog post below.

Moments that we want to last forever

Recently I had a GNO scheduled with my friends.  These nights are sacred because they offer so much to my well being, and so when the night rolled around, I asked if my daughter could hang out at my folks house for a few hours.  As it was, my mom was not home, so my daughter had some great one on one time with her grandpa.

They played cards, ate supper and I would guess she politely pretended that she had not heard any of his jokes and tried not to laugh before the punch line.  When I went to pick her up she was snuggled into a blanket alongside my dad on the couch watching TV.
They sure seemed to have enjoyed each other’s company and I believe having Grandpa to herself was a real treat for my daughter.

Playing cards with the “GRAND” parents

As we drove away from their house that night, the car was silent and it seemed my daughter was doing some thinking.  About halfway home, she said, “You know I wish I could figure out a way to make that man live forever!”

Me too, kiddo, me too!

GNO are a treat for me, but I think my daughter has figured out that she clearly is the one that benefits most!

Losing my dad a week and a half ago has left a huge hole in my heart as well as all of my other family members, including my daughter.  I got a card today from a very dear friend that said losing someone we love is an open wound that heals very slowly.  That is so true.  My dad was very special and I still feel him near me even though he is gone.

Tonight there was a little salve for this big open wound on my heart.  After my daughter finished taking her shower tonight, she burst from the bathroom with the biggest smile, looking for me.  She said, “Mom, before Grandpa died, I could never wink and he kept trying to teach me and I couldn’t do it.”  Just then she winked at me.  It was the most perfect wink, very similar to the one that made my mom’s knees weak when she was 16.

Grace fell into my hug and I said to her.  “It looks like Grandpa left his wink for you!”

Thanks Pops!  You always gave us the best and still are!